Are you looking for helpful tools to expand your pleasure? To finally drop from your thinking mind into your body in order to be more present to actually feel pleasure? If the answer is yes – then this article is perfect for you. If your answer is ´´no´´ or you feel like you are way too busy right now – then it´s even more important to continue reading. And it also doesn´t matter if you are single or in a relationship – exploring your body and realizing what really feels good to you is essential for all of us! Because only if you have found out what you really like yourself, you can share it with your partner.
Let´s be honest, ladies. Most of us are used to just grabbing a vibrator and we think that´s how we take good care of ourselves and pleasure us the right way. It´s fast, it´s efficient and it always works. (in contrast to men:) But what vibrators really do : They numb us. In our most sacred body part. Since vibration isn´t a natural movement ( no human penis or tongue can vibrate!), the constant use of a vibrator can even lead to having difficulties to come when we are with our partners or try to self pleasure us without the power of this electronic device. So let´s put them back in our secret drawer and look at different ways how to really explore our body in a more connected, sensual way.
There is a big difference between masturbation and self pleasure practice: When we masturbate, we act goal oriented. We do it to achieve an orgasm, in order to release energy or pressure. It makes us feel tired afterwards and we might sleep better.
Self pleasure practice takes place on a whole `nother level. You set an intention before you get started. And with that ´´why´´ you have behind, you stay connected to it while exploring your body, you awaken your senses and you are present with everything that moves through your body: energetic waves you can work with in order to create or manifest.
How much pleasure we are able to experience stands in direct correlation with how much we are able to feel on an emotional level. So ask yourself: How deep can I meet myself and connect to myself? What has been stored inside of me through painful experience from the past? When do layers of my heart crack open?
When we find ourselves in these uncomfortable, messy and painful emotions, we can choose : Do we continue to numb/distract ourselves or do we take it as an invitaion to finally surrender and feel it? Every time you find yourself in an uncomfortable state and you choose to crack open another layer of conditioning and pain, your level of pleasure expands. And not only in bed, but on all levels of sensuality in life: your eating experience, the feeling of gratitude in your daily life, the connection to yourself and others, being out in nature etc.
Unfortunately these layers don´t crack open once and just stay like that. There will be moments where we fall back into old patterns and feel disconnected again. It is a constant dance between staying open in your heart and doing the `inner work,` especially when we feel ´´old ´´pain or well known patterns coming back.
That´s when instead of running away or numbing ourselves, we remember to hold ourselves in the storm with loving and kind words. (easier said than done, I know..)
Being vulnerable towards ourselves and others might be uncomfortable first, but only if we choose a different path, things will change and pleasure will expand. Think of walking through fresh snow for the first time: In the beginning it´s hard to move forward and snow might even come into your shoes, but the more you continue walking and forming this path, the more you create your very own, healthy route. ( You´re not just following somebody else`s footsteps, like you´re used to, because it´s easier and more comfortable.)
Sometimes we don´t feel like making our way through fresh snow- all we want is to feel the pleasure of an orgasm. But if our heart is blocked, we will never experience our full pleasure capacity. So be open to dive deep into your emotional pain, have a closer look on all the experience that led to closing your heart and building your protection layers. Unfortunately there is no secret pill or shortcut to get through it all quickly but it´s easier if you have someone by your side to work this through; someone you trust, you feel open to share your heart with. Once you find this safe space within yourself, where you feel seen, appreciated and heard, do the hard work and I promise you it will change your ability to feel pleasure immensely.
Until a few years ago, I had only experienced clitoral orgasms ( as you already know: only energy release). Since I started to dive deep into self pleasure practice, including breast massage and tantric practices, I´ve had so many different kinds of orgasms: energetic full body orgasms, nipple orgasms ( I used to not like my breasts/nipples at all!) and g spot orgasms that lasted for more than 10 minutes. I am not telling you this to show off– but to show you what is possible for all of you.
One thing I have noticed regarding myself and the work with my clients, is the fact that we grow up and live in such a goal oriented society, that we constantly find ourselves in a rushing mode, including an overstimulated nervous system that does not leave any room for pleasure. Guess what - when we are stressed and overworked, full body orgasms are impossible. That´s why we really have to slow down and find ways to regulate our nervous system. And most of the time that is the one step that people are skipping – the vulnerable, the healing, the emotional part.
So here are my top 5 to calm the nervous system :
yoga nidra
yin yoga
meditation
pranayama
sensual dance
Now that you are slowed down, the secret key to expanding your pleasure is using your senses and being present!
The more senses you involve, the more pleasure you will feel – it is actually mindblowing to activate all the senses at the same time!
sense of sight: create a space that makes you feel safe first: dim the light, use candles, make it as cozy as possible and wear your favorite lingerie that makes you feel sensual..
sense of hearing: choose a sensual playlist, songs that move you
sense of smell: use incense, body oils( organic and skin friendly, high quality essential oil) – increase capacity to feel pleasure
sense of taste: bring chocolate or mango into your bedroom and really enjoy the taste (game changer!)
sense of touch: finger , featherlight touch (only fingertips), flowers, breast massage (esp. If you have blockages around your heart space, or if you are ashamed of breasts)
Additionally to activating our 5 senses, using a yoni egg also helps to gain more sensations during sex, especially when you´ve had traumatic experience/ tensions which are stored in your muscles. The healing power of the stones can cleanse it.
Also keep in mind that the female body needs 30-40 min or even an hour to fully open up, a bit
like a diesel engine: it takes time to heaten up, but once open- it´s a different kind of openness. So: no rush! No pressure!
Here are my tools to use when you start overthinking, judging or analyzing too much. They will help you to drop from your thinking mind into body:
breathwork
There are different techniques and if you want to know more about it, listen to my podcast episodes 12 to 15 where I interviewed experts of this life force energy
intuitive dancing /ecstatic dance
Are you able to enjoy dancing without being in your head, caring what other people think about you or trying to look good? All these thoughts prevent us from feeling joy and feeling free in our bodies. Intuitive dancing (try it with eyes closed!) helps you to find out how your body really wants to move to the music.
join a female community where you feel welcomed and safe to share from your heart and express yourself authentically, without being terrified of crying or showing your vulnerability. Once you allow yourself to be seen and experience real connection, you start healing. I can tell you from my own ´´free spirit sisters community´´ that the power of a circle of supporting women is life changing, even if you`re scared in the beginning.
And always remember: this deep healing journey is for everyone, even if it feels far away for you right now or you seem too busy doing other things. I think we have all reached the point where we are done pretending everything is fine, living an artificial life that only looks good through filters. What we all should work for is a life that feels good from the inside and makes us feel alive. No need to be perfect- as long as you feel connected to yourself and your purpose. And once again it´s all about the right timing – no need to rush, take your time and the right tools will come to you whenever you are ready. Now that you know where to find them! :)
PS- If you want to dive deeper in breath work, sign up now for our pleasure sunday on March 27th where we will experience a rebirthing 2 hour breath work journey, that will leave you cracked open. For me this was one of the most mind blowing experiencew of my life. You will also get an additional 7 day access to Katie to support and guide you afterwards if needed.
written by Elisabeth Burkhardt